Tim Horton’s is my favorite place to write. I get just enough ‘people watching to feel connected, yet the people I see don’t want to directly interact (most of the time). I find it very hard to write in complete solitude. It’s much easier for me to write if I feel like I’m writing for someone other than just me. So this, like so much of my writing, is for you dear reader. My connection this time is a fellow writer from my writers’ group. He has graciously agreed to let me share his writing time. Although this isn’t the first time him and I have done so, this is probably the most productive one yet. We have sat in near silence for 10 minutes now without feeling like something should be said.

Enough avoiding the question. Its been three months since I wrote the last one of these. I’m even having a really tough time writing this one. That first paragraph went quickly, but these last couple sentences took three times longer to write just because I’m distracting myself (and my writing partner). What is it stopping me from writing? I don’t have a definite answer, but I can invent all kinds of things that are wrong with me that could explain it. I know, however, that those excuses are just more ways to tear myself down and justify my self loathing.

I’ve discovered recently that I don’t need “a good kick in the ass” like most people offer as the best solution. For me, that usually ends up with me feeling even more worthless and disconnected. What I need is someone that truly believes in me and positively encourages me along the way. I’ve been told “I’m not going to babysit you” or “you’re not a child anymore” or “you just need to do it” and other things of similar themes. What all those points of view neglect is that many people (maybe most people?) aren’t motivated by ‘self driven determination’ or ‘thrive under pressure’. Many of us need the encouragement that comes from positive, short term motivation. Some of us even need it on a pretty constant basis. Hence, I sit in Timmy’s feeling connected. That way I get more writing done.

It occurs to me that this might need more explanation. My depression is based on my feelings of worthlessness. That means there is no point to writing for myself. I’m simply not worth it. (remember this is how I feel in my heart. I know in my brain it isn’t true) What this means is that I need to feel like I’m writing for someone else, like someone needs to read what I have to say. So I sit here in a coffee shop because it makes me feel connected to the world around me and lets me believe that someone out there needs to hear my story. Sure, there are more distractions here than at home, but there is also more motivation to write. If, like now, I’m lucky enough to have someone to sit with as I write, then I’m in the perfect mindset to be most productive. I feel the strongest connection and have the strongest reason to write. I feel like someone wants what I have.

This is the reason I have the best success in jobs where I’m a part of a team that works together as opposed to teams where each member works alone toward a common goal. If I’m working hand in hand with one or more co-workers, I’m far more likely to shine. I usually even end up leading these teams because my strongest skills are highlighted. The teams where each member has different tasks to complete in order to contribute to the goals of the team are situations where I am less likely to succeed because I am still working alone and self discipline is more important for success. In those scenarios I have a hard time staying on task and I’m far more likely to let my team down. My depression is based mostly on my professional failures. As a writer, if I don’t write I’m not much of a writer. Academically, I understand that my depression affects my success as a writer, and my success as a writer affects my depression. So I know it’s a vicious circle. The only way I can think of to break the cycle is to find enough connection to motivate myself to write.

Although writing is essentially a solo venture, I have a story to tell that won’t stay inside much longer. But in order to get that story out, I need to find a way to write it. So here I sit, in Tim Horton’s, trying to hold onto my connection to the world around me, and fighting to get a few words on the page. To those out there who also evaluate yourself on your career success, I hope you find my words helpful. Drop me a message and we can discuss this at more detail.