This is related to my professional depression series in a couple shared topics, but I’m writing from a more personal point of view this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post of any kind and I’ve let my social media slip also. I’d like to blame my professional procrastination for that, but I need to start taking personal responsibility for my successes or lack thereof in all aspects of my life. This has both a dual purpose and a dual benefit. It forces me to address the shared weaknesses in the different things I do. Taking responsibility also prevents me from blaming others or just claiming powerlessness.  Owning my successes requires me to believe that I can succeed regardless of the bad things that happen. And it means that the good things aren’t the result of some random event or the unpredictable generosity of others, but instead they are a result of plans and intentions I have personally had a hand in. 

When my wife left, she took with her far more than my heart. In fact, I don’t often think about feeling lonely without her. I mostly think about how much I miss the things she did to keep my life in order. I miss how she used her strengths to cover my weaknesses and, by doing so, allowed me to reach for the stars in ways I’ve never dream I could. Now I see those same stars and wonder how I ever thought I deserved to aim that high. She made me feel like I could do anything. Now I strain to keep going each day, and most days I lose that fight. It’s not her fault I struggle, she didn’t hurt me in some traumatic way that caused some debilitating condition in me. I had the debilitating condition long before I knew her. I need to own that and do something about it myself; learn to reach for those stars again.

My son told me the other day that he hasn’t shared his plans for his future with me because they don’t include me. He plans to move out when he can and never look back. He wants neither me nor his mom in his future because we are toxic for him and he wants to be rid of our toxicity. While this hurts in some way, I do believe he is right. I have been talking about suicide so much this past year it can’t be good for him. I haven’t followed through with any of my crazy income schemes and he doesn’t want to have to support me once he does get on his own and starts paying his own way. So, my last connection to my family is severed once he manages to move out. That isn’t my decision to make so I don’t get to take ownership of his decisions. This isn’t my stuff.

My shrink doesn’t even know how to categorize my issues. He believes I show some signs of depression but I’m missing some other key symptoms, same with ADHD, dependant personality disorder, anxiety, and a few other conditions we have discussed. He even said that he believed others in my life would likely just call me lazy. He’s right, they have, many of them. Even though he doesn’t know how to classify my problems, he isn’t shy about trying me on yet another “new” drug. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to go to the professionals and have them tell you they don’t know what to do? Where do I turn now? What am I supposed to do now?

Before you answer that with all kinds of new and wonderful ideas, please understand one thing about me. I have a very limited capacity to “do” anything for myself. Each day I must decide if I should shower, clean up around the house, do a little writing, maybe look for other work, pay a bill or two, interact with my son in some way, or act on some piece of advice I heard or read about. Some days I don’t have the energy to do anything at all. Other days I can do one of the things on that list. Maybe once or twice a month I can two or three things off that list. On those days, I feel like I can maybe be normal for a day. But it never lasts. So, before you give me another great idea you’ve used/heard about, please consider what on that list I should give up doing to act on your advice. You might also notice that there is nothing on that list that includes any way to earn a living. I don’t. That is what lays at the heart of my subterranean self esteem. I can’t even manage the struggle of daily life let alone spend energy I don’t have to find a way to earn a living. The once or twice I have felt financially adequate since she left, I have had a lot more productive days and have been far more likely to accomplish my own goals. So, that’s another thing I need to take possession of and deal with myself. I need to take those rare productive days and prioritize my needs so that I can address the most urgent ones and the ones that could potentially earn me a living. The rest, unfortunately get ignored the vast majority of the time.

Owning my own story means that I am the reason so many good things have happened in the last 12 months as well. If I went back in time and told 15-year-old me that I would have a bigger social network than some celebrities, younger me would probably guffaw sarcastically and ignore older me. If I added that the kid who was laughed at during his grade 9 prom for showing a girl how to 2-step and swore never to dance again would one day be known for being one of the best dancers for a specific dance style (not 2-step), younger me would probably yell at me for lying. That same kid never finished an essay or book report in school, but now pursues a career as a writer. None of those things happened because I had a supportive “woman behind the man” success story. She didn’t trust me to have any privacy to write. She didn’t think I could ever make a living from it. She wouldn’t let me learn to dance my way because she always wanted to look like the couple that could master all types of dance, but I never got that good at them while she was around. And neither of us had many friends because of trust issues on both sides of the relationship. So, all those are things I have accomplished since she left a year ago. Taking responsibility for my actions means that I can’t pass off credit for those things to random chance or someone else’s generosity. I did those things and only I can do more things to add to that success.

Another bonus to taking ownership of my life myself is that I can decide what direction I go from this point forward. I don’t have to limit my options to those that offer the most security or the best possible payout. I get to pursue the things that spark my interest and passions. I have the freedom to fail and fall as often as I need to without fear of who I will hurt along the way. I can learn the lessons and take the advice I think are most useful to me and leave the rest alone. There is no limit to how low I can go before I can’t get back up again because I am the only dependant I must provide for. If I can find food, I can stay alive. If I can stay alive long enough, I will eventually figure out how to make a living. If I can find a way to look after my financial needs, I will have little to worry about.

The key to my financial security is finding enough energy to follow my dreams. I have several dreams that can earn me a living. I just need to find the energy every day to forward those dreams. They are my dreams and only I can pursue them with success. I must own them and chase them. Here’s to the chase.

Taking ownership of my own stuff has had one side benefit I would have never predicted. I couldn’t figure why I had a large pool of energy for some things and a tiny pool of energy for other things. It seems, after looking back at this past year, that I have two separate pools of energy. One is for doing things for others with little personal benefit. The other is for doing things for personal benefit with little benefit for others. I seem to have a tiny pool of energy to do things for myself, but a much larger pool to do things for others. Maybe there is a way to use that to provide for my financial needs. I mean if I do things to help others in a tangible and trackable way, there might be a way to get compensated for that. Since that seems to be my bigger pool of energy, maybe I can draw on that.

Depression, for me, is just as personal as it is professional. Please message me to start a conversation about this or anything you need to talk about. I’ll do my best to listen. Thanx.