In a talk with a friend of mine a little while ago we talked about the difference between the positive attraction of confidence and the repellant nature of arrogance. The two look similar on the surface but most people can recognize one from the other fairly quickly. The discussion came up, however, because some people have a harder time telling them apart. This often leads some people to distrust anyone that seems sure of themselves. Other people are attracted to the strength both traits radiate. These two scenarios might cause someone into situations they aren’t prepared to deal with.

Let me explain a little better. The definition of confidence taken directly from Meriam-Webster.com as I write this: “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.” In other words, as it relates to how a person acts, it means that the confident person truly believes in his/her ability or value in a given situation. The definition of arrogance from Meriam-Webster.com: “an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.” The arrogant person portrays themselves as better than others in each situation and the attitude is usually not supported by a belief in oneself. To summarise the point, a confident person believes in themselves and shows it, but the arrogant person rarely believes in themselves and tries to cover it up with a superior manner and unsupported statements. Both often sound like they know what they are talking about and that is where the confusion lays for some people.

If a person has been let down too often by one or more arrogant people, he/she might learn to distrust everyone who sounds like they know what they are talking about. Many people in these situations avoid people that come across as strong because they don’t trust them to be sincere. They may even avoid situations where they are more likely to run into stronger personalities like personal growth conferences or sales environments. Many of them miss opportunities to grow or improve themselves because of their fear of being overpowered or manipulated into unwanted situations by the ‘experts’ they would turn to for help.

Someone who has experience with mostly confident people is usually attracted to people who seem to have a strong understanding of the situation. Often someone like this is an easier mark for the arrogant person because arrogance and confidence seem similar on the surface. If the person hasn’t had much experience with arrogance they might believe that everyone who seems knowledgeable actually has the experience to back up their claim and assumptions. This can lead to first person being manipulated and taken advantage of. In extreme cases, it could even lead to identity theft or other scams.

A person who is exposed to both types usually has an easier time distinguishing between them. They understand that arrogant people often can’t back up their claims and confident people can. The first sign a person is more arrogant than confident is how powerfully the person presents themselves. Confident people usually don’t need to have other reaffirm their self esteem and are usually not offended if someone doesn’t share their point of view. On the other hand, an arrogant person’s self esteem is often dependant on convincing others of their own superiority. That means a confident person would likely let those around him have their own opinions and only offer his if it has been asked for, but an arrogant person will insist that those around him agree with his point of view.

The confident person doesn’t have a need to present themselves as bigger than life because they understand their true value. A confident person might put on a powerful demeaner to limit how many people attempt to get past their barriers because they are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of people that their knowledge and experience attract, but in reality they still enjoy sharing their experience with people that want to hear it.

The arrogant person usually puffs up their personality to protect their true value from being discovered. Often the arrogant person doesn’t believe in themselves and simply wants others to recognize them and find a value in them that they themselves don’t see. Arrogance is one of the most common outer shells that someone with low self esteem puts on. It’s also one of the hardest for those that love them to get past. The arrogant person usually has a very hard time admitting that they don’t know as much as they think they do and often refuses to learn from someone else. Most of them believe that they can’t trust anyone. This results in them holding everyone at arms length outside the shell they’ve built for themselves. Arrogant people are great examples of people that need to feel loved long before they learn to find true value in themselves.

I don’t know about most people, but I have often switched between these two attitudes without even realizing it until afterward. I’ll be talking to someone about something I know and understand, and the conversation might start to take on a competitive tone. At that point I’ll sometimes begin to bring up points that are more opinion that researched facts. At the same time, I’ll often raise my voice as though to overpower the person I’m conversing with in order to force them to except my point of view. Later I will understand what has happened and, if its appropriate, I’ll admit my mistake and try to make amends. I usually do these things when I feel belittled and/shrugged off. My low self esteem will often feel belittled when someone else doesn’t share my view on something. It’s something I acknowledge and I enjoy conversations with people of differing points of view to give me an opportunity to build confidence in my own opinions while learning to let others have theirs without letting it reflect on my personal value.

The big joke in my own head and the reason I felt I had to write this article is that I often call myself an arrogant prick in the way that some women call themselves bitches, but I haven’t met anyone that understands it as an invitation into my true, insecure, inner self. I truly do want to share my deepest darkest secrets with many of the people I meet in the hopes that someone will see me as I do and love me anyway. My experience, however, is that unconditional love is the rarest and most precious thing a person can receive. I’m still waiting for mine.

If you want to discuss confidence or arrogance in more detail, message me to start the conversation.