So, here it is. Love is unconditional. Point blank and simple. No if’s, and’s or but’s. Love isn’t a commodity to be bought, sold, earned, lost, or found. That’s the reason it’s the one thing most of us crave more than anything else. It’s the single strongest attachment we have. It’s also the one thing we, as humans, have the hardest time understanding. It isn’t just that warm fuzzy feeling we get when a stranger smiles at us. It’s far more than that. What many of us don’t get is that love is active not simply a feeling in our hearts. It makes us whole.

Unconditional love is the hardest concept for many people to grasp. Some compare it to the love of their children. It doesn’t matter what mistakes our children make, most of us will love then till the day we die. Even if that means we have to love them from a distance to protect others around us from the hurt they can cause. But we always love them. Some compare it to the high school sweetheart that we can never quite forget. Even many years later, they still hold a special place in our heart. Still others might think of their grandparents and the years of commitment and happiness they represent for us. For some of us, unconditional love is an imaginary concept that only happens in fairy tails.

Some confuse love with trust, as though it can be betrayed or mishandled. Love doesn’t belong to the person you love. It belongs to the you. So, it’s up to you to show your love or keep it to yourself, regardless of how the one you love acts. Some might confuse love with respect, to be earned or lost based on a person’s worthiness to it. If you wait for someone to earn your love, I promise that you’ll be waiting a very long time. Even your soulmate will have had experiences different from yours that change how he or she shows love. Still others confuse love with devotion. Although similar, devotion is the act of dedicating oneself to the pleasure or needs of someone else. By that definition, some of us believe we are loved only when the person we love devotes themselves to us. Let me rephrase what I said earlier, the love someone has for you isn’t yours to own or dictate the terms. It belongs to the person that loves you. It is theirs to determine how to show it. These are some of the reasons love must be unconditional to truly be called love. Just because you don’t feel love from someone doesn’t mean that person doesn’t love you, so love them regardless of what you feel from them. Eventually you will both learn what love means to each other.

Love isn’t lust either. Some treat love as something they can own or maybe just rent. It’s true that some people use their money, fame or power to earn someone else’s love. While this does happen, it’s only love when those factors don’t influence the feelings. Someone with power, fame or money can increase their chances of meeting people and thereby raise the odds of finding that special someone, but love isn’t swayed by those things. Lust can be of course. Some people are turned on by many different things, but true love is between hearts. Some people pay for the experience of sex, thinking to fulfill a need for love, but it doesn’t provide the same satisfaction. Love simply can’t be owned or traded for.

Why do we feel a deep warming feeling when we hear “I love you” in a favorite movie or book? Because it means the character has finally ‘made it’. The hero ‘gets the girl’, the heroine ‘gets the guy’, the love interest comes to a happy ending. No matter what else happens in the story, for that moment, we feel that satisfying empathy for a love found. That’s because, subconsciously, we believe that love is an end of its own. The words “I love you” make us feel whole and complete. Deep down we feel love unconditionally, so hearing those words makes us believe the search is over.

“I love you, man!” Famous words of drunken buddies from all walks of life. It’s what one man says to another man when he believes he can say what he really feels without someone thinking he’s just being weird. Why don’t we say, “I respect you, man!” or “I like you, man!” or “You’re really strong!”? The truth is that some of us do say those things when we’re drunk. But the final stage when we really want our buddy to understand how important he is to us is “I love you, man!” That’s because, when we get so drunk that our last inhibitions have vaporized and we are most in touch with our truest feelings, the strongest feeling we can express is love. It’s not the same love we might have for our spouse, but it is just as strong, and it’s unconditional. An example of this kind of love: my best friend when I was much younger has slept with a girlfriend of mine while I was dating her as well as my wife while we were engaged, yet I still have to fight the urge to want to be around him still years later. I love him as much as I ever did. I don’t trust him, and I don’t like him very much, but I still crave his company and the memories we share are some of my fondest. Love is like that. No rhyme or reason, just unconditional.

I do believe in love at first sight, but most of the time what we feel ‘at first sight’ is simply an affirmation, maybe even an attraction. When someone smiles at us we might feel a connection with that person. If that person engages us in conversation, the connection grows. And if we manage to plan a future meeting, the connection becomes chemical. These connections are even stronger if that person fits into our idea of ‘attractive’. But don’t mistake these connections with love. Love is unconditional. Although you might feel like you would do anything for this person (that connection can be pretty strong), love goes much deeper. What if you or they are already committed to someone else? Would you throw away your existing connection to pursue a new one? What if you found out that they manipulated that connection to take advantage of you in some way? That’s the main tool of conmen. They create connections to get you to do things you normally wouldn’t do. It’s best to take it slow with those you’ve just met, love at first sight does happen, but since love is unconditional, it will outlast any time or obstacles put in its way.

Ok, so love is unconditional like the love of our children or the love we see in our grandparents. Love can’t be owned or traded. It isn’t trust or respect. It’s not lust for power, money or sex. So, what is it then? It’s that feeling we get when our favorite characters say or hear “I love you.” Love is that awkward, slightly embarrassing feeling when our wasted friend slurs “I love you, man!” It’s is the connection that stands the test of time. Love is unconditional.

If that’s all love was, we could simply sit back and soak up the warm fuzzies from the people around us. But love stirs us to action. It makes us want to do things to help those we feel that connection with. Love motivates us to do things outside our comfort zones. If Red Bull gives you wings, love gives you the courage to fly. That’s the difference between love and all those other motivations. Gaining power, money or fame only makes you want more. Finding love is truly fulfilling and satisfies our need for it.

If you want to share your love story or just ask someone for a second opinion, drop me a line. Join the conversation.