Is it because we don’t want to or is it because the things we like to do usually don’t leave room for intimate conversations. It’s just not OK to talk about deep feelings at a football game or while knee deep in car parts. But maybe that conversation can happen over a couple beers at a buddy’s house, or during a long drive. Very few people, guys and girls both, are interested in taking time out to ‘just talk’. I can say that because I often tried to initiate those conversations in my marriage and my wife shut them down almost every time. I’m sure it had more to do with how we talked during those conversations than what we talked about, but it seemed we had better conversations when we were both doing some light activity at the same time.

Ponder, for a moment, all the places us guys are and what we are doing in those places. I’m talking about during our ‘free time’ when we aren’t at work or some organised activity that requires our participation and attention. Think about the pursuits we choose to fill our time with. Then consider the types of conversations a person could have in those situations without embarrassing themselves or interrupting the activity. Now, from the other side, consider the conversations that could or often do evolve into one of those. Everything else is the things we talk about all the time – our personal small talk.

But what is it we don’t talk about? Feelings, dreams, and in some cases even our values are things we don’t want to share with all or some of the people in our lives. Or sometimes it’s just that the time and activities we share with people don’t have the right atmosphere to invite certain conversations. Would you talk about your sex life at a child’s birthday party? Most of us wouldn’t either.

Some guys are embarrassed to talk about the problems in their marriage anywhere but at home behind closed doors, but when they’re at home, they’re watching the game or playing video games, or maybe they’re taking a little personal relaxation time before bed. None of those situations leave room for marriage discussions. They might be a little more open to talking during a long drive, especially if it has a destination they are interested in and there isn’t anyone else in the vehicle. They might also be open to discussion during some home renovation project; more so if the renovation was their own idea and they hold the reigns on the project. These types of guys hold privacy in high regard and will often turn off any discussion they believe might make them feel attacked or accused of something. They’d rather repeatedly close you out instead of seeing you hurt or disappointed when you find out they don’t agree with everything you believe. Whether you are a wife needing more communication or a friend wanting to help, a little unconditional love in these situations will gain you entrance into their guarded hearts. That means a lot of patience as they close the door over and over again. If your love for them doesn’t stay constant, they can’t learn to trust you. Keep your love consistent and they will eventually let you in.

Other guys won’t talk to women about their deepest feelings. They hold to the notion that men and women can’t understand each other. That tells them that no woman can ever understand his true feelings and it’s only asking for trouble to expect her to. Some of these guys don’t ever find a relationship that will last because of this. Some of them seem perfectly together and even successful to other guys; many women might find those things attractive in him. The issue comes up if a woman wants to get to know him more personally. He’ll keep things fairly shallow thinking he is talking about his deepest feelings, but what he is actually talking about is usually the things he’ll share with just about anybody. The key with these kinds of guys has two stages. First, if you’re female, ask one of his buddies to get him to talk about some of the things he won’t tell you; not so his buddy can then tell you, but so that the guy in question gets used to talking about the deeper stuff. If you are a guy, try to get him to talk about these things with you in controlled environments with easy distractions. Sometimes it is best to start while you are sharing some common activity like working on a hobby project together. Unconditional love is important at this point because he will often have a corrupted or chauvinistic opinion of women. It’s important not to try to correct or teach him during this process. Remember the point is to get him to open up, not to ‘fix’ him. Stage two is to get him talking with the person he has unsolved problems with, whether that person is male or female. Obviously, he will have an easier time with the issues he has with other guys, but he must eventually learn that the women also want to hear his deep thoughts and feelings even if they don’t understand them.

Still other men believe talking about their feelings is a sign of weakness. Some of them were taught by unbalanced male role models that feelings are for girls and sissies. Others found that when they talked about their feelings only bad ever came from it so they learned that feelings are damaging and need to be locked away. Many of these men believe marriage has one purpose: propagate the species. To them love is logical choice you make when choosing the right partner to produce fine children. These men don’t want to talk about feelings. They won’t admit to having them and they don’t want to hear about yours. In these scenarios, unconditional love can take on a different feel than with other men. Start by sharing light, inconsequential feelings that he doesn’t have to react to and can just ignore. Eventually he might start to change his habits to accommodate those feelings. For example: if you shared that a certain flower reminded you of happy times in your aunt’s garden, he might start buying you those flowers. Eventually you might be able to say something like: “when you touch my neck like that it sends shivers of excitement through my body.” The unconditional love part comes into play by keeping all your negative feelings out of the way until he can share his own hurt feelings with you and feels safe doing so. Once he feels safe sharing his pain with you, then you should be able to start gently talking of things that upset you. Again, as with the positive feelings. Start small and inconsequential.

Some guys have been raised to respect women and treat them like the princesses they are. Many of these men were raised primarily by women and never had the complimenting experience of strong male role models. They either didn’t have many men in their lives at all or the men they did know were not fit role models. They were usually raised by mom; most of their teachers were women; maybe even their first few bosses were women. (I’m one I these) They have no problems talking to women at all. In fact, they put so much of their selves into making the women in their lives happy that most other men either don’t notice them, or those that do think of them as wimpy or maybe even gay in a feminine and condescending way. That often puts undue pressure on women to fulfill all his masculine needs. Nobody can do that for a man, so when the man continuously feels unfulfilled, he seeks fulfillment elsewhere, usually with other women, or sometimes in addiction. The best solution here takes unconditional love as well. The women in his life need to give him the kinds of friendship and caring they would give other men without getting into the ‘fix him’ mentality. You might also encourage him to make friends with other men. It might help to make friends with couples who understand your concerns and can help him open up to the husband of the other couple. Most of these types of men have troubles making connections to other men. Another thing you should do is let him have the freedom to make his own decisions regarding what he does with other men. This will probably take a lot of unconditional love because he will likely experiment with what his thinks men do, and some of those things will not be very loving to you personally or women in general. After all he has never had a male role model to show him what real men act like. My experience tells me, however, that when these men do figure out how to respect women and love them appropriately, they will resume much of the “treat her like a princess” that they had before, but this time with masculine strength and confidence.

In all the cases as well as many other I haven’t talked about, unconditional love is the thing that separates successful relationships from harmful ones. Unconditional love towards these kinds of men can give them the space they need to work out the solution on their own. What none of us needs from any of our relationships and friendships is to be fixed. Love that doesn’t need to be earned or reciprocated is what gives us the space to fix ourselves without the danger of losing those that are most important to us when we make mistakes. We will make mistakes, and some of them will be big, hurtful mistakes. Only a love that allows these men to explore this scary and unexplored frontier will have the flexibility to see him through the other side. The benefits are a loyalty and devotion you could never have imagined.

All these scenarios assume that you are strong and stable enough to provide unconditional love. You will probably need your own support system to accomplish this. For myself, those people I have chosen to love regardless of how much they have hurt me are my strongest relationships. Those friendships that I have lost or gave up are some of my biggest regrets. The men I wrote about here aren’t closed off or broken, they’re simply missing the kinds of experiences that show them where and when to open up about themselves.

If you want to share some of your own experiences or if you have questions about the men in your life, get a hold of me and start the conversation.