This is my journey with depression as a writer. This is not a solution, but my experience.

I talked once about the association between writing and depression. This last week has been an education for me. I haven’t posted anything on LinkedIn or Facebook (my other side) for a week although I felt pretty happy during that time.

So why didn’t I post something when this is a key part of my branding strategy? Anxiety. I’ve felt happy on the surface, but I realized today that I was choosing to be happy and ignoring an imminent and game changing personal problem. Ignoring it might be too strong of a word. I have been thinking about it almost every waking moment and I haven’t been able to come up with a solution, but I’ve continued to act as though I had not a care in the world. I talked to my friends to get support, I went out into the world to connect to people and humanity, I sat down at my computer to write, I took my dog for walks almost every day, and I took some self-time to reward myself for making it this far. All of those activities seemed empty and fruitless though and just couldn’t seem to get anything productive done. The one moment of clarity I had yesterday, I did complete one important task, but when I went to write something – blocked, my laptop ran out of battery but the coffee shop I was in had no power ports, neither did the next one and by the time I found a place that did, I lost the drive to finish and I just sat and zoned out on my phone. I felt as though God or the universe or karma or something was stopping me from taking another step.

I sit here in Tim Horton’s today trying to piece together a solution through writing about it. I’m fighting the desire to just give up and play some more phone games. Or maybe I should edit this article and make sure I get it just right even though I know that doing that before I have finished writing it will only distract me from finishing it and likely succeed in corrupting the point of writing it in the first place.

Push through I must. If I want to believe in myself, I have to prove to me that I can do the hard stuff when it counts, when its hard, and especially when I don’t want to.

My psych defined depression as the ability to feel only sadness or frustration. He defines anxiety as the act of worrying about a problem so much that it affects how much time and attention is given to other activities. In my case, anxiety is what triggers my depression. One problem I can’t solve leads to other problems being ignored which leads to believing I can’t do anything right. Depression.

Here I am writing this out more as a journal than the post I wanted to write. I wander what my point is or is the act of writing it the point. I know journaling is good for my soul, but it isn’t enough to just help my soul. I want to help others that struggle the same way I do. I want to be a ray of hope and I don’t think I will be as bright if I wait until I have the solution before sharing my experiences. This is me working through the hard stuff and sharing it with the world.

Please message me if you also experience obstacles in your professional life that make you feel stuck or suck the energy out of you. Maybe we can help each other.